An Illustrated History of Donald Trump’s Crazy Hair

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Donald Trump is a clown!  And as all good entertainers he is constantly showing a willingness to go quite far to entertain his audience.

The first thing one would notice, even before Dumb Donald open his mouth, is his hairstyle, which is of a sort that only a crazy person (or indeed a clown) would wear in public.  This extraordinary (one could even say “terrific”) stage gimmick wasn’t developed over night though.  It has been constantly groomed and fine tuned over nearly four decades.  In this article we will have a look at this development.

We begin in 1976 with Trump showing off his plans for the future Grand Hyatt.  This being the seventies and Trump still being fairly young, his hairstyle at this point is remarkably almost tasteful.  Notice however how Trump in the photo is carefully studying the way the older fellow on the photo is covering his bald patches.  This could very well be Trump’s Eureka moment.


Forward to 1985. Trump is here pictured with his first wife Ivana. He is now parting his hair from left to right, as he does to this day.  This photo is historically significant as it is believed to be the last time Dumb Donald exposed more than an inch of his forehead.


Here is Trump and Ivana at the 1988 U.S. Open.  Notice how Dumb Donald and his wife are now sporting what is essentially the same hairstyle and an impressive rightward sweep.


Forward to 1990, Donald Trump with Clive Davis, Rod Steward and Rachel Hunter.  We think this historically important photo might reveal inspiration.  Rod Steward is clearly inspired by Rachel Hunter’s impressive hair sculpture, while Dumb Donald appear quite smug that he – unlike Clive Davis – has managed to cover his bald spots.


Forward to 1991, Donald Trump with his then girlfriend Marla Maples.  This photo clearly show the rather painful scalp reduction Dumb Donald underwent in 1989 to reduce his bald spots.  No more forehead!


Here is another one from 1991, with Donald Trump sharing a moment with his son Eric.  On this photo Dumb Donald appears to have been experimenting with a rotational or twist style rather than just three or four straight sweeps. We think it is quite obviously why this didn’t catch on.


Here we are at Trump’s 1993 wedding to Maples.  What we see here is the hair on the left side of Trump’s head being significantly taller than on the right.  We strongly suspect this photo show the result of early experiments with Trump’s three or four way hair sweeps, not having gotten it quite right yet.  Never mind this slight cock-up, Maples clearly loved him anyway at this point in time.


Here is Donald Trump in 1999 with John F. Kennedy Jr.  The photo makes you wonder why Kennedy is the one wearing a hat, but this just goes to show how dedicated Trump is to his clown image.  Thumbs up for providing laughs rather than taking the easy way out wearing a hat.


Here is Donald Trump at some outdoor event in or around 2000.  It is pretty clear that one of the three sweeps have come lose and rumours has it that Trump immediately called his hair stylist and yelled: “You are fired!”.


After the accidents in the early part of the 21st century, Trump appears to have changed both his hair color and the hair sprays.  Perhaps he at this point had developed some environmental conscience, deciding to go with old fashioned grease rather than the chemical stuff.  Needless to say that this one is just plain silly.


Later in 2002 with his third wife Melania.  This one is one of the greatest mysteries of our time.  What exactly – apart from his forehead – is Trump trying to hide?  Has he lapsed back to the rotational or twisty hairstyle from almost a decade earlier?  Perhaps Melania will write about it when they get divorced?


In 2003, Donald Trump had clearly given up on his use of natural grease moving on to a more fine tuned multi-color scheme.


At the 2004 Emmy awards, disaster struck.  Once again, Trump was seen frantically yelling: “You are fired” into his cell phone.  This photo really reveals the extend of the bald patches that he is so desperately trying to cover.


Forward to 2006, Trump with his son Donald Trump Jr.  This photo show how to avoid sections of Trump’s combover coming lose by skillfully weaving the different sections into each other.  The photo also show Trump’s son’s early attempt to follow in his dad’s footsteps but not quite getting it right.  Sorry Trump Jr., it takes decades of practice to develop a proper hair style.


Trump in 2013.  Gone are the multiple colors and heavy use of chemicals or grease to lock down the different hair sweeps.  We venture a guess that this is Trump’s “indoor only” hair style.  A bit of wind and it would go bonkers.


In 2015, Trump briefly experimented with a hair style we call “The Vagina”.  This may be an attempt to court female voters.  We are still waiting for “The Penis”.


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