An average day at the Trump White House

• the staff playing a rock-paper-cissors tournament to figure out who has to wake up the president

• Donald walking in to Mike Pence taking measurements of the Oval Office desk and chair

• “James, the president would like another cheeseburger”

• the secret service dealing with the internal conflict of protecting the president and avoiding Angry Trump

• Melania slipping her secret service agent a $100 bill to tell Donald she already went to bed

• Jared Kushner hastily burning a stack of papers in the rose garden

• the coffee pot in the break room is half vodka and nobody cares

• “James, the president would like another cheeseburger”

• a 24/7 loop of the “prison break” series playing on the waiting room tv

• muffled screaming, followed by the distant *thud* of a remote hitting the wall

• Paul Ryan wandering aimlessly around the west wing looking for the president, bill in hand

• the contractors who are there to paint over the Steve Bannon mural can’t make it because “their car broke down”

• a flustered intern running from room to room, the top sheet of a stack of papers being a trump tweet

• “James, the president would like another cheeseburger”

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