Trump: hey john, I think I left my hairbrush in your office. Do you mind if I go get it? John Kelly:…


Trump: hey john, I think I left my hairbrush in your office. Do you mind if I go get it? John Kelly: sure don, the door is unlocked Trump: *starts walking towards Kelly’s office*Kelly, shouting down the hall: but I made sure to lock the drawer I …

Trump’s lawyer: your honor, with all due respect my client cannot break any laws if the laws…


Trump’s lawyer: your honor, with all due respect my client cannot break any laws if the laws don’t exist *shreds a list of federal laws*Trump: we’re gonna be done with this by lunch

Conservatives: vote for Roy Moore because he’s represents CHRISTIAN VALUESJesus, while slowly…


Conservatives: vote for Roy Moore because he’s represents CHRISTIAN VALUESJesus, while slowly backing away: I don’t know these people I swear

Harvey Weinstein: *is accused of sexual assault*Conservatives: can you BELIEVE that someone who gave…


Harvey Weinstein: *is accused of sexual assault*Conservatives: can you BELIEVE that someone who gave money to Hillary Clinton did THAT?? What an awful person! Fire him! Lock him up! Roy Moore: *is accused of sexual assault and pedophilia*Conservatives:…

Trump’s lawyer: my client is the president of the United States, your honor. He enacts federal…


Trump’s lawyer: my client is the president of the United States, your honor. He enacts federal laws and is the chief executive. Such a position grants him immunity from certain things, like obstruction of justice and- *leans over to trump* what e…

Judge: mr trump, you said you knew that mr. Flynn had lied to the FBI and yet you still appointed…


Judge: mr trump, you said you knew that mr. Flynn had lied to the FBI and yet you still appointed him to your cabinet. Trump: I never said anything like that Judge: I have a copy of the tweet on my desk Trump: I don’t have a twitter

Supplies for 2020 campaign run •lots of cash •a really fancy podium •a complete list of charges, so…


Supplies for 2020 campaign run •lots of cash •a really fancy podium •a complete list of charges, so I know who not to hire again